Together at any cost

The New York Times interest piece "Navigating Love and Autism" (1) establishes romantic relationships as a normalizing force and (2) documents an effort to normalize autistic people. The story begins with college-aged Kirsten dating a young man who offers her some much needed coaching in the social graces. She chafes under his direction and is soon drawn to another young man, Jack, who shows no interest in such social conventions. Comforted by the lack of expectations each felt from the other, Jack and Kirsten strike up a relationship. Soon, though, she realizes she needs more affection and understanding than her new beau can give. He has Asperger syndrome, and, turns out, she sort of does, too. They push on together, usually either arguing or just keeping one another company. She starts learning to cope and eventually he lets her get a kitten.

We're supposed to assume that being in a troubled relationship is preferable to being alone, and that this couple is to be congratulated even though their partnership is fraught with difficulties. From the article:

The months that followed Jack and Kirsten’s first night together show how daunting it can be for the mindblind to achieve the kind of mutual understanding that so often eludes even nonautistic couples.

The story continues: After establishing a presence on an advice web site for Autistic people, Jack and Kirsten are somehow invited to speak publicly about relationships. Kirsten is quoted as saying  “Parents always ask, ‘Who would like to marry my kid? They’re so weird.' But, like, another weird person, that’s who." The people who approached them for advice feel anxiety about their own relationship prospects.

The message: They may not be happy but at least these autistic people can try to be normal by having a relationship.

Since the earliest diagnoses, the prevailing wisdom has said that people with Aspergers were mostly unable to have meaningful personal relationships. So, now, the general narrative spawning this article and Jack and Kirsten's efforts is supposed to be that "the overarching quest of many (new adults) in this first generation to be identified with Asperger syndrome is the same as many of their nonautistic peers: to find someone to love who will love them back." Before establishing this narrative we might first check whether we share a common definition of love and value the same things in relationships. What we consider a traditional relationship may not be the shoe that fits Kirsten or Jack.

Where does this "quest" come from? Why the anxiety about being alone?

Notes:

• I heard Asperger syndrome won't appear in the next Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (this would be volume five). Instead the diagnosis will fall under the general Autism spectrum.

• The best part of the article comes when the question is put to Jack: Did you ever fear being alone? He answers, “I have no doubt if I wasn’t dating Kirsten I would have a very hard time acquiring a girlfriend that was worthwhile.”